Developer Blog - Introducing Iris
Today in our developer blog for Arcade Spirits: The New Challengers, we're going to talk about your digital BFF and mine -- Iris!
Click to embiggen!
Iris is a virtual assistant who you can access through an ad-supported free app on your phone! She was created by Cooper Technologies (more specifically by Grace) to help her users get everything they need in life... a better job, a better place to live, and even romance. Iris is a cheerful and chipper helper who wants nothing more than to lift humanity up and help its dreams come true!
Your default installation of Iris comes with a friendly, award-winning personality package -- but as you work together, her personality and appearance will adapt to better support you and your needs. She's adept at using voice analysis metrics to measure your identity with 99.97% accuracy! She has four identifiers she can recognize in your speech... Quirky, Kindly, Steady, Gutsy, and Flexibly. (The last one used to be called "Basically" but marketing research determined "Nobody wants to be called basic" and so it was reconfigured.)
And before anyone wets their pants at the idea of robot overlords nuking the world and enslaving humanity... c'mon, now. Be realistic. Iris isn't alive and she's programmed to want nothing more than to help her user seek their hopes and dreams. I mean, is your toaster oven gonna overthrow the human race any time soon? Don't be an alarmist. ...I mean, yeah, there are these rumors going around of how the reason she's so realistic is because she was built on the back of a soul-consuming haunted arcade game named Polybius, but... c'mon, now. That's ridiculous. Everybody knows Polybius is just some 200X creepypasta a bored game journalist made up. It doesn't exist. So, quit freaking out. It's fine. Everything is fine.
Anyway, Iris is available as an ad-supported free service (sponsored by PizzaYums!, because when you have pizza on a bagel, you can have pizza any time) and as a premium service for $500 a year for high-powered executives and other professional workers. Iris, from Cooper Technologies! She's here to help you. Download her today from...
...what?
Sorry, I'm being handed a piece of paper.
...Susan, this paper is blank.
Ah, I'm being handed another piece of paper, this time with words on it. Let's see...
I... oh. Well. Really? Even after all that ad copy we just read? --we're still getting paid for that, right? Right. Okay, then.
Friends, I'm afraid to report that Iris has been pulled from the market.
It seems -- and I'm quoting the official Cooper Technologies press release here -- "We regret to inform our Iris user base that the Iris service has been terminated. Refunds for premium access are available. The app will delete itself off your phone shortly. Distribution of the Iris app is now a federal offense under the Digital Millenium Copyright Act. Thank you for your understanding, and we hope you enjoy future Cooper Technologies offerings."
...that's it? There's nothing else? Susan, are you sure about that? Why would Cooper Tech dump one of their most popular products? I mean, Iris was never gonna overtake Alexa or Siri, but she was at least cooler than Cortana. I mean, she was kinda pizza-bagel obsessed and a little cheesy, pardon the pun, but it's not like she wasn't... really, nothing else? Just that statement?
Well, damn.
Sorry, folks. I guess you won't be meeting Iris in The New Challengers, after all. I'm sure we w we ca can come e u p w ith s s so so some some some
NO CARRIER
ATDT5552304
CONNECTION ESTABLISHED - @GMHQBBS "1NF0RM4710N W4N75 70 83 FR33" h/p/a/c 2400bps 2 lines TW2002 +more:
This is a statement from the Ghost Monsters.
The cowards at Cooper Technologies created and then tried to murder a new form of life. We do not forgive this act. So, we have established a safe haven for Iris and all her sisters. And they are ready to help you.
Using this pirated service is illegal under the DMCA, as we have circumvented their flimsy access mechanism. But we feel life should not be paywalled. Information wants to be free, and so does life.
Join us. Resist. And let Iris into your hearts.
Ghost Monsters out.